Mary [00:00:00]:
All right, here we are. This is the second interview of the you can call me Bossy podcast with an amazing woman, human being, super successful, so driven, such an expander for me personally, but a great friend of mine. And when I was thinking about people I wanted to have in my opening episodes of the you can call me Bossy podcast, somebody who just is constantly doing the work but also overcomes a lot of outside noise.
Jess [00:00:35]:
Right.
Mary [00:00:35]:
Which I think that for women who are labeled in that bossy umbrella, it really comes down to you're hearing a lot of stuff from a lot of places and you have to decide how you're going to thrive. Anyway, go after it. Anyway, so I have with me today my friend Jess Glazer dero.
Jess [00:00:58]:
Did you just call me bossy? Empty? Is that what. Just kidding. I'm kidding.
Mary [00:01:03]:
I'm so you might have the bossy wound in some way, which that's actually. So I want you to introduce yourself to everybody. But the thing I want to talk about is this idea of bossy because we have never actually talked about that, but I just think that we could probably have a lot to talk about in the idea of bossy and what that means and where it has it come up in your life and where and how have you overcome it. So let's just start with who you are, what you do, where you come from, and then we can maybe just talk a little bit about how we know each other. But go ahead.
Jess [00:01:41]:
Well, let's also just start with the fact that you just launched this podcast and I'm so excited for you. So congratulations. I'm so stoked. Everything you do just turns to, um, who am I? Gosh. Wow. Yeah. So I'm Jess Blizzard de Rose. Like you said, I'm the CEO and the boss over at digital business evolution.
Jess [00:01:59]:
I founded it. Digital business evolution really is a one stop shop. It's a digital education shop where we help coaches, aspiring coaches, service providers, really everyday people who've been through transformations that want to help other people. We help you take what that is, package it up and push it out into digital education. So courses, coaching programs, masterminds, memberships, all of that stuff. And we really heavily focus on organic marketing, meaning you don't need paid ads, you don't have to have a big following. And that's what I do today and who I am, as well as being an investor and a philanthropist and most importantly a dog mom. I think that's my most important job.
Jess [00:02:37]:
But I've lived a lot of lives and I'm sure we'll get into it from going to school for my doctorate of physical therapy, and then I ended up in the fashion industry, and I worked as an elementary school phys ed teacher for eight years and was a personal trainer for 18 years. So lots of different lives, lots of different pirouettes.
Mary [00:02:55]:
Oh, my gosh. Okay. Well, first of all, I just want to say, and digital business evolution is where I started my coaching, right? And everything you just said as you were saying that, I was like, it's so true. You helped me with all of that when I very first was like, I have no idea what I'm doing here, but we're going to figure it out together. And I don't want to figure it out with anybody else. So thank you. I wouldn't be here with the you can call me bossy podcast if you hadn't supported me in having a vision with me. And it was just like, we go back to my event planning days, and a lot of what I'm going to talk about in the journey of this podcast is the evolution I've had of having to be in a leadership position while also having to be able to manage a lot of personalities and get what you want to get done the right way, et cetera, et cetera.
Mary [00:03:50]:
So you knew me back when that was my career and that was my whole life, and you helped me make that pivot into now what's the life coaching world? So just want to kind of say that we have a very long history together and know each other very well. So my first question is, when you heard that this was the theme of my podcast, the idea of the bossy label, what came up for you, and what do you think about it, and do you have positive, negative, or any of that? Has it played a role in your life?
Jess [00:04:26]:
Yeah. Well, when I heard that's what you were doing, it just felt like it made perfect sense. It just fits for the brand. It fits for you. And I think for me, the word bossy is very different than boss babe, which was trending for so long. I don't resonate at all with Boss Babe, not the company. Like, Natalie Ellis is amazing, but the word boss babe, that's just not really my thing. But when I heard, you know, you can call me bossy, it's not to play on words of your book, but it's a way where you're standing in your power of like, yeah, maybe I am bossy, and it's not bossy in a negative way.
Jess [00:05:00]:
Like, let's redefine how we're taking that word and let's use it in an empowering way where it's really just you're being a good leader, right? You're in the groundwork with the people, you're down there with the clients. It's like you're getting things done. You're driven, you're type a. So, yeah, I thought it made total sense, and I was excited to learn more about.
Mary [00:05:23]:
You. So we're going to look at Bossy as, like, an umbrella, right? So it's almost like the too muchness of something. So I personally have been called bossy my whole life. I have two brothers, and they needed some direction in their life. I would say, I don't apologize, but maybe I could have been nicer about it. And I think that there were some indications of that bossy label from other humans in my world growing up and know, the youth leadership worlds of high school leadership, but then also very much in my career in New York City. And it's almost like the culture of New York City was much more accepting of that term. And when I moved to Maine, not so much.
Mary [00:06:11]:
So where has this too muchness, too loud, too driven, too assertive, all of that? Has it ever played a role in your life? And where. And did it stop you or did it drive you?
Jess [00:06:25]:
Yeah, I think for me, it was presented in a more positive way. So not don't be bossy, or you're too bossy. Like, it's a bad thing. I've actually never really been called bossy, but I always have been called a leader. And so the way that it was presented was more like, you're such a leader. You're such a natural leader. You light up the room. You're just so good at being the center of attention.
Jess [00:06:49]:
People just tend to want to follow. You're such a teacher. That was always something growing up, even before I was actually a school teacher. You're such a teacher. You have a knack for coaching, being a gymnastics coach, captain of every. I was the captain of everything that I played in school. And similarly to you, I was in every club and national arm society. And it was just so for me, it was never too much in a bad way.
Jess [00:07:13]:
It actually maybe, and maybe did me a disservice. Right? Maybe to a fault, but it was sort of a feather in my cap where it was like, gosh, we're so proud of you. You're so driven. You're such a hard worker. And when it came to academics, it was a lot easier for my brother. We're both smart, but he just didn't have to try. Perfect score on his sats. Didn't have to try.
Jess [00:07:37]:
And for me, it wasn't that way. And so it was kind of like, yeah, we know you have to work harder. We're so proud of you for working harder. And so I started to, at a very young age, correlate my worth and worthiness to the harder that I work, the more that I'm loved. And that's no one's fault. It's not what my parents did or did not do. But even in school, teachers being like, great job, gold star. And so from an age that I can't even remember because I have been doing this work now for a while, specifically recently, inner child and shadow work, I can't actually remember, but I correlated my worth and self worth and love to awards, accolades, achievements at any cost.
Jess [00:08:23]:
And over the years, it's kind of been like, yeah, well, that's because I'm an enneagram three or I'm a recovering perfectionist or all these things I can put labels on, but really, the more that I sit with it, and I'm a recovered eating disorder survivor, I mean, like, to the max. So I've done the awards and accolades at any cost. I've burned through the friendships, I've had the health issues numerous times, but it still was kind of like, but we're so proud of you because. Keep going. If it wasn't my parents, it was someone else. But you're so resilient. It was such a good thing, which I do think those are important skills and traits. But, yes, I wonder.
Jess [00:09:00]:
But not so much bossy, but very driven, very much a leader, very much a hard worker. Yeah.
Mary [00:09:06]:
And in those moments that when you talk about the any cost, have you worked on or what tools have you put into your life, the practices that you've done to kind of check in with yourself to see where am I kind of getting to that place where at any cost, is actually not going to be worth it this time? And what is the practice that you put into place to kind of check in there on that perfectionism and check in there on that? Why am I doing this right now? Is it for me or is it for the accolades?
Jess [00:09:42]:
So I feel like over the last decade, I've collected so many different. Not. No, excuse me. Over the last two decades, I've collected a lot of tools and practiced them, and then over the last decade, they've just become sort of this intuitive, innate thing that I'm doing all the time. And now today, as I'm actually approaching 40, I feel like I don't necessarily have to pick up a tool from a toolbox, but I'm sort of just living a different way. Like, I see life through a different lens than I once used to. But going back to about 20 years ago, I checked myself into an outpatient program for my eating disorder. And that was the first time I was really introduced to a lot of the tools.
Jess [00:10:22]:
And so it was probably a little over 20 years ago, but, yeah, right around 20 years ago, started to be introduced to particular tools at the time. Journaling, EmdR, eft tapping. I mean, this was 20 years ago. And then over the course of the last two decades, got more and more into like, okay, cool, let me try breath work. And I had already been meditating. I've been meditating now for about 20 years, but deeper and deeper and deeper. And it's kind of like the gateway, right? And I love these authors, but I feel for me, it was Gabby Bernstein and Jensen Saro and Tony Robbins. It was kind of like the gateway to the next level.
Jess [00:10:58]:
And now all of a sudden, I'm totally in the quantum reading about things that just don't even. I'm like, I don't even know where I am right now. But the work has gotten so much deeper in the last six years with Dr. Doe Dispenza and going to his advanced retreats. And so, one, I just have the tools in my toolbox and I can pull them out at any given moment. But then, two, I really do think I'm in a place now where I'm just looking at life through a different lens. Yeah. And then I'll have to aware of.
Mary [00:11:26]:
Right, well, would you say that. Well, this is what I was going to ask about that awareness, because I think that, yeah, I have a lot of clients who sometimes they get stuck in the worry that they'll go back to who they used to be. And I like to say that it's almost impossible for you to go back to who you used to be because you have such incredible awareness now. You're going to catch yourself so much faster. I don't say other people say, but I believe so deeply that transformation is not possible without awareness. 100%. Right. Because you don't know what to change or you don't know what's really there.
Mary [00:12:14]:
And then triggers are actually essential for transformation because they make you feel something, and you can either decide, I'm going to ignore that feeling and push it aside, or I'm going to get curious about that. So do you have any kind of practice that you do to kind of check in on, to almost trigger yourself or to check in on that stuff so that when something is happening, because you just kind of have this subconscious way of moving through life right now, there's still probably some moments in your life that are a little bit tougher than others.
Jess [00:12:51]:
Right.
Mary [00:12:51]:
So that you're like, oh, here I am again. But I'm not going to do the pattern that I used to do. And it almost is like exactly what we were just talking about with those moments of, here I go again down that road. Is there any kind of question that you ask yourself or practice that you do there?
Jess [00:13:10]:
Yeah. Well, the first thing is just slowing down, like, in general, not in a moment, just in general slowing down. And again, there's been so many years of busy as this badge of honor and doing and work and hustle, and trust me, I still work a lot, and I work really hard. And I'm very against the anti hustle culture, which we could talk about. I think that's a horrible culture that we've created, is the anti hustle culture.
Mary [00:13:32]:
I don't think it's real.
Jess [00:13:34]:
The pendulum, it just swings too far back and forth to both sides. It's like, no, we all live in the middle. That's just how it is with everything. But with that, it's the generalization of slowing down and being more intentional and mindful so that I can then practice my three A's. And so the three A's are awareness. Awareness of what's coming up, how I'm feeling, the thoughts, the habits, the patterns, the beliefs, the awareness of, oh, gosh, I just snapped at my husband. It's to be aware, but if you're not present, if you're not slow, then you can't be aware. Meaning if you're multitasking and your brain is thinking about a million other things, chances are you're not even going to realize that you do these things, especially if you are alone.
Jess [00:14:15]:
So the first thing is the awareness. The second thing, which is really hard for a lot of people, is acceptance. And so it's accepting what is. This is how I feel. This is what I'm thinking. These are my thoughts. These are my beliefs. This is where I'm at right now.
Jess [00:14:27]:
Yes. I just snapped at my husband. Right. It's accepting without shame, blame, guilt, or any of those other emotions that are really unserving. And so it's just sort of accepting. And so it is. And then the third a is action. And that's the part that we usually don't want to do because it's easier to do the fourth a, which is avoidance.
Jess [00:14:46]:
Right. But I'm always going to go with the action instead. And so the action could be whether it's literally just apologizing or going. Interesting. Okay, that's interesting. Why did that just trigger me? Why did that just come up? Why did I just react that way? So I've taken an approach over the last decade where my favorite word is interesting, and I use this in the business all the time, too. Interesting. Why'd that happen? Why did it not happen? Why is it converting like that? Why is it not converting like that without making it mean anything about me? It's just taking that scientific, curious approach of almost like in therapy, they tell you to triangulate, right? When you're doing communication, you can triangulate an issue.
Jess [00:15:26]:
So with our team, let's say, perfect example, an email went out today that was actually supposed to go out yesterday. Very rare that something like that happens, but it did. So there's me on the bottom left of the triangle, the person who is, quote unquote, responsible or supposed to handle the email on the bottom right of the triangle. And then above the triangle, which happened to be right behind me on this, in the video above us, floating in the ether, is the email that went out on the wrong day. And so now it's not about pointing fingers and blaming, but you're disassociating and triangulating from the problem to say, well, it happened. I mean, that's the fact, right? And then you can draw a line down the middle of the sheet and go, what is the fact? And what is the fiction or the story that we're telling ourselves? So the fact is the email went out on the wrong day. That's the fact. The other fact is now the people don't have the correct information.
Jess [00:16:17]:
Again, a fact. And now we're going to send a second email saying, oops, we messed up. Here's the correct information. But the fiction, the story that I'm telling myself is maybe my team is tired. They're being lazy. They don't care. They didn't think it was important. They didn't hear me.
Jess [00:16:33]:
And then the crazy thing is, because it's a triangle, the gal on my team who is responsible for that email is also creating fiction. So now she's saying things to herself like, maybe my job is no longer safe. What if I get in trouble? I'm going to get fired. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I was just being too busy. I was overwhelmed. I should have spoken up whatever's going on in her head. So we can triangulate the problem, but when you're doing this with yourself, you want to do the same thing, right? So it's accepting what is not as.
Jess [00:17:02]:
It means something about you, but it's just. Okay, well, just that happened. That just is. This is just how I'm feeling. Let me put my science coat on and my little lab goggles and use this approach of, like, okay, that's interesting. I'm just collecting data, and I'm going to go back and make another hypothesis, and I'm going to go back and do another experiment and let's see what happens there. But the action part is where a lot of us get stuck, because the acceptance part is the hard. That's the one that's hard to do.
Jess [00:17:31]:
So if we don't fully move through acceptance, then how are we going to take action? We don't know what's next. Yeah. So these are my three a's that I follow at any given moment. And then I can go into the toolbox of do I need to take a couple of deep breaths? Do I need to go for a walk? Do I need to go outside? Do I need to get some sun? Do I need to put my feet in the grass? Do I need to journal breath work? Whatever. Right?
Mary [00:17:51]:
Oh, so good. My fingers are all crossed because I'm trying to remember all the things I want to say about what you just said.
Jess [00:17:58]:
Oh, interesting. How does that help?
Mary [00:18:02]:
Remember that? I want to talk about what you said with not having it mean anything. I want to say that this is an excellent tool for women who are afraid of being seen as bossy. And this is also a really great place for the facts versus the stories we create. So that's what these are all about. I'm crossing all of my fingers, you guys. Yeah, remembering things. Okay, so, first of all, I just want to say that's such an incredible tool for. I like to say, get curious, but that's it.
Mary [00:18:32]:
We're saying the same exact thing. Get curious. Why is this happening? Where is this coming from? And I think that that's, unfortunately, the thing that is not taught the most in society.
Jess [00:18:40]:
Right.
Mary [00:18:41]:
We're taught that especially the masculine energy is just keep on going, just plow on through it. But if you slow down, like you said, and get curious and ask the question why it did all of a sudden when Ted Lasso, I just had this conversation with the client, Ted Lasso comes on and all of a sudden my entire body gets dysregulated. Why? But there's something there, right? Maybe there was something that triggered you inside. There's information for you there. So I love that. Secondly, I lost it. I uncrossed my fingers and I lost it. But what I want to say is that oftentimes we are the woman who is afraid of being called bossy, being called too difficult, being called too much of something when she receives.
Mary [00:19:33]:
Oh, this is what you said when you receive the feedback. You taught me this. Nick pags taught me this. Feedback is neutral, right? Feedback is just information. It's opportunity to learn. That's why failure isn't a thing. It's just information. An opportunity for you to grow and learn.
Mary [00:19:52]:
But this tool is such a great tool for when we get ourselves into those moments that somebody says, oh, God, you're just being so difficult. That feedback, if it doesn't mean anything about you or me or whatever, actually it's giving you an opportunity to slow down, get curious. Where is that feedback? What does that feedback actually mean? Is it about me? Or maybe it's about the other person. And then you said that I have to accept if you don't go through that step of acceptance, you're going to take action. Maybe if you do take action, it might be from the wrong energy.
Jess [00:20:35]:
Right?
Mary [00:20:36]:
And that's where that whole model of your programming creates your thoughts, which create your emotions, which create your actions, which create your results. If you don't do the second a of acceptance, you might take action, but it won't be in alignment of what you truly want.
Jess [00:20:53]:
Right.
Mary [00:20:54]:
And you were saying that, too, so I just want to bring that all around. But I want to talk about this idea of not making it mean anything about you, because I think that that was a really hard one for me to.
Jess [00:21:08]:
Oh, it's so hard.
Mary [00:21:09]:
Or ask, what do you mean? May have it mean nothing. The fact just kind of float in my reality, but not have it mean anything. And I think that the question I like to ask in those moments is, what is the story I'm creating about myself in regards to the facts of the situation? Because we can easily create stories about other people, and that's when we get into that victim mode, or we're like, blaming everybody else and we're not taking that radical responsibility for ourselves, which I know that you talk about all the time. I'm pretty sure you're the first person I ever heard that from. But it's really about what you're talking about, and I'd love for you to dive into this a little bit more. Is this thing about not having, like, there are things happening, there's even things happening inside my body. I'm wanting to avoid. I'm wanting to scream and yell like a child.
Mary [00:22:07]:
I'm wanting to stomp my feet and cry. And are you letting that mean something about you, or are you just letting it be a thing that you're noticing?
Jess [00:22:17]:
Yeah.
Mary [00:22:18]:
So can you talk about that, too? Maybe. You said that it was really hard for you, too. So do you remember when you were able to make that switch to not letting it mean anything about you?
Jess [00:22:29]:
No. It's still a practice. I don't think that there's a destination. I don't think we get there. I don't think we fix it. I don't think we solve it. It being like, any of this work. Any of this work.
Jess [00:22:41]:
Right. The goal is to get closer to, I mean, ultimately it would be enlightenment, and enlightenment is understanding all of it, all of the work. Most of us. I don't know that we'll ever get there. And whether you believe in past lives and reincarnation and stuff, the concept there with that is that your soul comes back life after life after life. So there's work to do. Yeah. You're continuing on the path, and there's work to do.
Jess [00:23:09]:
So, no, I'm not there. I haven't fixed it. There's no moment to say, like, and that was when I stopped giving a crap, because that's not the case at all. But my comeback rate has gotten faster, and the comeback rate is that ability to stop, pause, get curious, quickly aware, accept action. Right? That's the comeback rate of, like, whoa, something is off kilter. So, especially in business. And this is why I believe entrepreneurship is a rocket ship to personal development, because you're presented with things that you could easily kind of ostrich head in the sand when you're working for a company or somebody else, and you sort of kind of go in, clock in, clock out. I'm not saying you're living a boring life, but that sort of monotony of that, where you care, but you don't necessarily care.
Jess [00:23:54]:
Like, I loved my job as a teacher. I cared about my kids so much, but when I clocked out, I clocked out. I mean, yeah, field day. I was working on the weekends to make sure it was perfect. And lesson plans I'd write on Sunday nights. But for the most part, most humans do somewhat around the not bare minimum. But, like, I'm going to do the 90% and I don't have to look at these things. Like, when you're an entrepreneur, you have to look at things like putting yourself out there, being seen, being rejected, being all of a sudden a boss, when you actually don't have the skill set to be a boss, understanding what it means to build a community, build an audience, those are two different things.
Jess [00:24:31]:
Putting value on things that you're going to be selling and putting dollars to that. And there's just a lot of things that all of a sudden act as mirrors, which are beautiful gifts, they're beautiful opportunities, whether it's people or lessons. But they act as mirrors for us to look at things within ourselves. So in our world of entrepreneurship, most people are heavily involved in personal development as well. Whereas if you step into more of, like, the nine to five box, not everybody's really into it. I mean, when I was a teacher, I was literally the only one in the school going to Tony Robbins events, and it was looked down upon. I was made fun of by the other teachers. I was sort of picked on when I would come in holding.
Mary [00:25:15]:
You're too ambitious, Jeff.
Jess [00:25:17]:
Exactly.
Mary [00:25:17]:
That's probably where a little bit of this wounding comes in.
Jess [00:25:22]:
Yeah, but the wounding also is an edge that was created of, like, okay, I'm going to show you and I do it. Exactly. I can now admittedly say, that's not the healthy side of me. That's the shadow side of me saying, watch me, I'm going to prove it to you. And also, it's what got me here. So it did work in a way. And I'm not just talking about building the business and making the money. It gave me the life that I wanted to create for myself.
Jess [00:25:51]:
And then I've been able to now look at all these other things as lessons along the way and continue to expand and grow and evolve. And I'll never forget, and I went way off on your question, but it was about a year, year and a half after college, and I met up with my old roommates from college, and one of them just looked me dead in the face and with the most condescending tone. She was like, God, you've changed. And I was like, it was a bad thing. And I was like, and you haven't at all. It's nearly two years post college, and you have not changed at all. And I just thought to myself, I didn't say any of this out loud, but I'm like, thank goodness I've changed. I would hope that I've changed.
Jess [00:26:30]:
I'm a year and a half, two years older. I'm post college. I've learned things. I've evolved. I mean, and at that point, I was deep into my healing for my eating disorder. So I was like, way over the deep end on personal development stuff. So, yeah, I had very much changed. And it was like, that's the point.
Jess [00:26:47]:
We're always evolving.
Mary [00:26:49]:
Well, I want to say that I am working with a lot of women who are in the career world, and I think that what's happening is there is a shift happening. I mean, the corporate world, there is a shift happening that it's like, well, if you want to get to that next level, it is going to require you to do this work. And you actually said something at the beginning there, which is something that I say to my clients all the time, which is whether they're entrepreneurs or they are in the corporate world, or a little bit of both, which is that the women who are above you, who are more successful than you, who are whatever, or who are just further along in their journey than you, they aren't there because there's some sort of crazy ass secret that they have that you don't have access to, or that they don't have those limiting beliefs anymore, or that they don't have the struggle internally anymore. It's that they move through that shit fast. They can see it a mile away. They know exactly what tool needs to get utilized, and they just never stop doing the work. And that's why they can get to those levels and they can do it, for the most part, in good health, with good relationships, with a good mindset, with a good perspective on life, because they've never stopped doing the work, and they just learned how to work through it faster. And I thought that that was such an important thing that you just said, because I think that when I see you and I've seen you through the evolution of the time that we've known each other, that is one consistent thing that you have done nonstop, is being open to the work, always being open to the feedback, always being willing to grow from whatever it is that you're learning and never seeing it mean the end of anything.
Mary [00:28:37]:
Right.
Jess [00:28:38]:
And it sometimes is difficult, right? Like, I think back to six years ago, seven years ago, when I first started as full time entrepreneur, and I didn't have a team yet, and I also hadn't worked on these skills quite as much yet. But reading client feedback, the experience that I would have during that was very different than the experience that I would have today. But I also put bumpers in for myself. So, you know, when we go bowling and we have bumpers, like safety guards. So when I started to hire team members or even barter with people, like, at the very beginning, I passed that off and I said, you know what? Can you read through all of these feedback surveys and then just round up the themes, the key things, the biggest ones that stand out, some of the best things, the worst things, and can you come back to me with a summary? And it was like putting bumpers in like that, where it gave me the space to do the work that I needed to do without avoiding it. But it also removed some of the pain and pressure that I felt because it was so raw and real and new, and I didn't have that really great toolbox yet. I didn't have that comeback rate yet. And so also know it's okay to put bumpers in for wherever you are in your life.
Jess [00:29:50]:
Yeah. And now today, someone else generally does go through them just because that's where we're at in the business. And I get the most important stuff. Like, I need to know about the most important stuff. I don't need to know about every single little thing. And I'm so grateful for the gal on my team who handles it all because she also knows at random sometimes we'll get, like, a great email out of nowhere, and she's like, oh, this will be lovely for you to read. Let me pass it along. But the whole thing with the meaning making machine, when we don't understand things, we humans, we try to make meaning out of that.
Jess [00:30:24]:
That's what we do because we have to make sense of it. And so when we're given feedback, when something does or does not happen, especially if it's out of alignment with our expectation of what was going to happen. So our expectations are promises that were never actually made that are then broken. So whether you have an expectation with yourself or an expectation with another person, like, if you and I did, if I expected something from you, an expectation is, I have this unwritten contract. Like, you never signed it, you never saw it, you never signed it, and then you had the audacity to break the contract.
Mary [00:30:59]:
I'm upset now.
Jess [00:31:00]:
I'm.
Mary [00:31:00]:
This is the kindest, clearest kind, right? Like, it's not kind to have that contract that is never verbalized, but, oh, my God, this is such a Good. I've never heard you say ourselves so good.
Jess [00:31:12]:
Yeah. Do it to ourselves, too, though. So even again, like, context of business, because that's what I do teach. We'll have these expectations for self of when we do a launch, and then it doesn't go the way that we expected for a myriad of reasons when we put on our science coat, but we start to create meaning out of it, and we're disappointed in all these emotions and feelings. And the crazy thing is that your expectation that you set will create the experience that you have.
Mary [00:31:40]:
That's right.
Jess [00:31:41]:
Be really mindful of the expectations you're setting. But my whole point in bringing this conversation back up, because I realized I didn't answer your question before, was when I went off on a tangent earlier about triangulating a problem. When you're having a conversation with a person, do the same thing when you're making something mean, something about you. Can you triangulate? The fact is, two people enrolled. I thought ten people were going to enroll. I feel disappointed. Okay. These are all separate things, and one is an emotion.
Jess [00:32:10]:
So what are we creating with that emotion now? What's the fiction? What's the story that we're creating? And where are we going with that? So can you just get into the practice of even doing something like that? Which is what I do today, and that does not mean I am bulletproof. There are things that happen, especially in the business, where sometimes it just takes the rug right out from underneath me. And I'm so grateful for the tools that I have and even the people. Right? I'm so grateful. Mike, my husband, not only is he in the business and on the team, but he also does the work. And so, on one hand, we can be really great safety nets for each other and reminders like, hey, you're kind of going off the cuff over here. Come back to earth. But in the same breath, on the other side of the coin, we can easily quickly kind of pull each other down, and we create that.
Jess [00:32:58]:
My fitness coach always used to say, this is not the sorority of suffering. Right? But when you have a spouse, a best friend, a team member, you can accidentally kind of get into that spiral of complaining, gossiping, woe is me, victimization, all of that. So we do have to be really mindful of each other while we're like, wait, hold on. Help me get back here.
Mary [00:33:19]:
Yeah. Oh, my gosh. So good. And that's why I think that having a coach support you in that journey also is super helpful, because it's almost like having that person from the outside to be able to look and say, like, hey, you're here again. I didn't know if you noticed, but you're here again. But I love that conversation around, what are the expectations you're setting on yourself? Because that is another thing. And you kind of said this, you don't even know that you're creating that contract. Right.
Mary [00:33:52]:
And so those are the things we're doing subconsciously that we are not aware of. And then we're creating a situation where if we don't meet that expectation that we didn't even know we had on ourselves. So one of the tools I like to lean into that, I just want to say here, and you kind of already said it, is just like, well, what would success look like for you here? And this was a big one that I very recently had to work through because I didn't understand the expectation I was putting on myself for what success looked like. And I had to really dig into making it clear, writing it out, saying it to somebody else of like, well, this is the expectation I have on myself. And then to have that reflected back to you, like, well, that's an expectation that literally nobody on the planet will ever be able to meet because that's not even human, especially when it comes to perfectionism. Right. So you get to give yourself a lot of grace in those moments, which is super helpful.
Jess [00:34:46]:
Can I share something real quick?
Mary [00:34:48]:
Yeah.
Jess [00:34:49]:
We have a gal in our elite mastermind who's a former olympian. Like, so badass. She literally was an olympic figure skater. So cool. She shared with us the other day on a call, something that used to come up with her when she was training for the Olympics, and it was something her coach used to say, and I'm going to get it wrong. I apologize. I'm butchering this, but basically, there's the time leading up to the thing, right? The game, the launch, the conversation, and the time leading up to it is the practice and the preparation. But at a point, and she would say, like, a week before the competition, you're at where you're at, your skill isn't going to change.
Jess [00:35:23]:
You're not going to learn anything new. At that point, a week out from the Olympics or whatever, that competition that launch, your job shifts from the preparation and the practice to just the refinement to stepping into go mode. And I thought it was so interesting when she was talking about it because the way that she said it, that gave everybody on the call gooseies. She basically was like, when you're ready to transition into go mode and you're that week or two weeks before, you have to understand this is with expectation. That's the level you're playing at right now, period. You're not going to jump levels. You're not at a higher level. You're not at a different level.
Jess [00:36:03]:
The level in which you're at is the level that you're going to compete at. It's the level you're going to play at. It's the level you're going to launch at. And when you can accept that, then you can go in and be the best at that level that you are. As opposed to going in hoping and expecting something's going to happen. Something's going to happen. Yeah. And I was like, yeah.
Jess [00:36:23]:
Shout out to Paige champion.
Mary [00:36:24]:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Paige champion. You were born with a good name. That's amazing. All I was thinking about is exactly when I was training for triathlons, and it would be like those two weeks before, and I remember talking with my cousin who was a marathoner, and she would say, mary, just chill. Like, all you need to do is what's on that paper, because this is not the week that you're going to get have to. And she said, you have to trust your training.
Mary [00:36:54]:
And the thing that comes up for me is the Abraham Hicks of you're always just getting ready to be ready to be ready, and then at that moment that the opportunity comes. So if it's not the thing you're preparing for, but it's actually like all of a sudden, all of a sudden, somebody posts that there's going to be a TEDx talk in your hometown, and it's like, oh, here I am, completely ready to apply for this and to do it. And so it's like, that's what I think that. And now I'm going to do it at the level that I'm at. I love that so much. That's so good. Yeah. All right, well, this has been amazing.
Mary [00:37:31]:
And I feel like we could go on and on and on. But let's talk about. I want to give everybody an opportunity to know what's going on in your world right now and to know where to connect with you and what's the best way to. If they are interested in learning more about possibly stepping into that world of entrepreneurship or further into an entrepreneurship, where should they go and what should they be doing right now?
Jess [00:37:53]:
Yeah. So best place to find me and connect with me is going to be on Instagram. That's where I'm most active. So my handle is I am Jessica Derose. And then we have our podcast. We drop two to three episodes per week. That's digital business. Evolution podcast.
Jess [00:38:07]:
And I believe as this episode is dropping, we are approaching DBE live, which I'm so excited for. So if I can tell your audience about that, I would love to.
Mary [00:38:15]:
Please do.
Jess [00:38:16]:
Yeah. So DBE live or digital business evolutions live experience is a massive free virtual event that we put on every single year and we do it every spring. And I really like to look at this as spring cleaning for your business. So whether you're in the beginning phases, you're doing multiple six figures, you're even up in the seven figure range. We have what I call repeat offenders. We have people that come every single year because they know the power of taking that spring cleaning approach, which means stopping to pause, to be aware, to accept where you're at and then figure out what action steps you're going to take next. So DBE live, like I said, it's a free experience. It is a three part experience, but it's intentionally spread across two weeks.
Jess [00:38:57]:
And that's because I believe the part we're missing is not the information. We have infobesity, we've got consumptionitis, but we are missing implementation. And so the three different lives are spread across two weeks so that you actually have time in between to go in, to do the work, to do your homework, to take action, to ask questions, to have the opportunity to coach with me for free, to come in and hear our other experts that come in. We do all sorts of fun things, prizes, giveaways. We've got guests that come. It's just such a huge party. We have thousands and thousands of people that join us every year and I do it in a studio. And this year I get to have my Britney Spears moment.
Jess [00:39:34]:
They have a Britney mic for me. I'm so excited. So truly, I mean, to learn anything about getting into the coaching and digital marketing space or if you're already in the coaching and digital marketing space, we hand over our entire roadmap on how to create a sustainable, scalable and profitable business online. And I am not here to teach you how to make money because there are plenty of gurus out there who can do that. I am here to teach you how to build a machine that makes you money so you can actually go and enjoy your life. So that's what we do. Whether you're a coach, service provider, aspiring coach, anything like that in digital marketing, come hang out with us. I think you'll probably share about it because you'll be there.
Mary [00:40:14]:
I'll be there. Well, what I want to say is just that when I talk to people about this because I haven't talked about it yet. But when I talk to people about this, I say that you're going to learn so much and be provided with so much information that's going to help you sharpen up what you already have. But also realize, you might realize that, oh, this thing that I thought I was supposed to do isn't right. Let me go over here. And that to me, the value of that is like unbelievable. And it's just, I think the best place if you're starting, if you're thinking about starting, if you want a side hustle that makes you a little extra money because you love your career, which is how I started. Right.
Mary [00:41:00]:
I had a full time job for three years before I left to go all in on my business. And that's how this started for me, was I wanted something else that was for me, that was letting me utilize my journey and my experience. People were asking me to help them. I had no idea how to. And this is what I did so that I could figure that out. And this is just such a great starting point. And I just think that you're going to learn so much information over the three days that it's worth it. And I love what you said about the implementation because it's so true.
Mary [00:41:34]:
And I do it myself too. And I have to put it on my calendar to actually put like, I've had to start putting learning time on my calendar now because there's still so much work for me to learn. But if I don't specifically do that for myself, then I don't do it. And it is just consumption, consumption, consumption with no activation at all. Totally.
Jess [00:41:56]:
And we've all downloaded a million freebies that are on the desktop collecting desks that we never open. That's not what this is. And there's also an incredible community of people that you can meet. We've had people that have dated each other meeting at DBE Live. We have people that have become business partners at DBE Live. You end up meeting people that you want to work with. I mean, it's such a fun, big party. Our first day of live kicks off on the 29th.
Jess [00:42:20]:
So February 29 is our first day. Great.
Mary [00:42:23]:
And if you're interested, just dm me. If you're listening to this and you're interested, dm me after the 22nd. I can tell you how to do this. But for now, just be interested and check out Jess and connect with her. And if you have any questions, you can ask Jess about it, or I'm here to answer any questions about it as well? Thank you so much. This was so good. There's so much goodness in everything that you said and so much that I think that a lot of people will take away. Before we go, I just want to say thank you for always being an example of what the work looks like.
Mary [00:43:02]:
And I've been in your containers. I've been a support for your team. I've been your client. You've been my client. I've just seen you, and I really do mean it, that your consistency of doing this work, which you said it, it is not easy. That's why everybody doesn't do it. But I think you truly just gave so much evidence to so many women listening right now of what's possible if you don't give up, especially when it's really hard. So thank you so much and thanks for being so vulnerable and open with us.
Jess [00:43:37]:
Yeah, thank you for having me. Can I drop one sentence?
Mary [00:43:40]:
Yes, of course.
Jess [00:43:41]:
I read this in a book the other day and it blew my mind. Resilience doesn't always have to be toughness. Sometimes it's actually the softness to simply let go of things and let them move through you. It's the willingness to not act on the emotion when the emotion comes up, but to let things go. And I was like, I mean, I just butchered it because I said it. I didn't say verbatim, I didn't read it, but like, wow. I've always looked at resilience. Like you said, new York, get out of my way.
Jess [00:44:08]:
Elbowing. Move. I'm going to push through. I'm going to keep.
Mary [00:44:11]:
That's how you survive there. But, yeah, I was like, oh, my God.
Jess [00:44:15]:
Wow, Mt. Thanks so much for having me.
Mary [00:44:17]:
Yeah, thanks for that. I love you, too. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
